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By Mike Ivcic
You’ve all been inundated with NFL season previews. But what you HAVEN’T seen is the Ultimate Capper NFL Preseason Analogy Poll. If you’ve ever said to yourself, “you know, that team reminds me of…” well then oh boy, this is going to make your day. No, your WEEK.
And if in a week, you return to this poll and think, “Wow, that team doesn’t remind me at ALL of that analogy,” just remember I only promised it would make your week. Nothing beyond that.
So, here we go:
Miami Dolphins – Your dorky buddy who hooked up with the hottest girl in school for one night. Yeah it was 38 years ago, and now he’s got a nice house, sweet car, and a fairly good-looking wife with two beautiful kids, but all he ever talks about is that one night he had his version of perfection.
New England Patriots – The hard-working American businessman who built his company from the ground up, only to have it bought out by big-time corporate greed. Sure, the company still operates under the same name, but the founding principles it was built on have long since vanished.
New York Jets – The obnoxious guy down the street. You buy a boat, he buys a yacht. You by a Lexus, he buys a Lamborghini. No matter what you do, he will always be more stylish and flamboyant than you. Doesn’t mean he’s the wealthiest person in the world – but he’s close.
Cincinnati Bengals – The cast of Jersey Shore. Or would it be the cast of Jersey Shore is like the Cincinnati Bengals? I can never keep my reality shows straight.
Cleveland Browns – The broke guy from the example two teams up. Or the guy who keeps dating girls that his friends have already dated and subsequently dumped because she’s crazy. He keeps expecting a different result from girls like Mangini and Delhomme, and always seems surprised when the results are exactly the same.
Pittsburgh Steelers – The college kid who discovers alcohol. He was always a good student, hard worker, always in shape, on time for class, ate right, and never dreamed there was any other way to live life – until the first night he downed three Bud Lights and spent the night doing Jell-O shots with the cheerleading squad. He’s regretting the four game suspension… er… hangovers now, but BOY was that one night in Georgia worth it!
Indianapolis Colts – Marrying a good-looking supermodel who ALSO cleans, cooks, gives great back massages and provides a huge amount of pure, unconditional love. Sure, your friends are jealous of her good looks (serious offensive weapons), and you’d probably be happy with just that, but you’re the real winner because of all of the stuff that goes on behind-the-scenes (smothering defense). Now if you could only get her to change her facial expressions (Jim Caldwell).
Jacksonville Jaguars – Your computer that just died. No matter how hard you try, all you get when you try to watch it is a blackout.
Tennessee Titans – The hunter who always seems to come back with a big kill. You could sit in the woods for days and never see anything worth shooting; give this guy three hours and he’ll bag a buck worthy of a wall mount every time.
Kansas City Chiefs – The beautiful old house on the corner that’s been vacant for nearly a decade. Outside, it still has all of its charm, luster, and awe, but there’s no way you want any part of what’s on the inside.
Oakland Raiders – Daytime soap operas. Both are in a full-speed, head-long race to see who will become totally irrelevant first. And they’re each like a giant black hole – they have full casts, but you couldn’t identify a single member. Plus, the team’s owner is one step away from a recurring role on at least one of them.
San Diego Chargers – The Minnesota Twins. Always good, always a threat to win the division and make the playoffs, but simply can’t be taken seriously as a legitimate postseason contender.